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Angie
18 December 2014 @ 11:37 pm
Because... I feel like I just have too many negativity in me lately that I want to let out but not in Twitter 'cause words are too limiting there. I sometimes write them on my RP Tumblr and then delete after a moment too, but I always try not to write too much on there for people to look at. I guess I feel more at ease on LJ to do so.

Not that I know if anyone else is still here. Is there?

Anyway, I'll leave this here and continue later. It's getting late.

[edit] I didn't realize I just posted this on my 11th anniversary here. Wow, so long.
I also keep forgetting to add moods.
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Mood: morosemorose
 
 
 
Angie
06 August 2014 @ 12:47 am
The radio in the taxi on the way back was playing Daniel Bedingfield's If You're Not the One.

I'm at such a vulnerable age right now, and he knows. But I really appreciate hearing from him that I'm actually more girly than I thought myself to be. And well, irl, I tend to be more open to guys than girls (is it 'cause I hang out with them more?), and I'm glad I was, because I needed to hear that.

I guess it's funny, and I've mentioned this many times before, that I feel like a whole different person from, say, 10 years ago. I used to be so happy-go-lucky, ready to go with anything that I do. But now I just. Lack confidence and self-esteem and, just generally scared of things. I was scared on the plane rides for the first time in my life, even if I knew that there's not much chance in it that it will happen to me. On top of that, I just think I'm being somewhat of a nuisance to people sometimes... So when he said that he would walk me to the taxi stand anyway, I felt overwhelmed just knowing that he does care about me.

I miss feeling at home, feeling like I belong. Coming back to Singapore was very hard.

Isn't it ironic that I told him I'm willing to show my weaknesses to anyone, yet I tried hard not to cry in front of him even when I wanted to cry really bad?

Two days. Two days with someone that I actually feel comfortable with and makes me laugh every moment of it. I needed that. I really needed that.

Now it's back to 'life'.

Just give me a moment.
 
 
Mood: indescribableindescribable
 
 
 
Angie
20 July 2014 @ 01:30 am
Sometimes I look back and think that my life was so much more colorful because I blog very often.

Now it's like mundane work and angry stuff every day... though there were some good times, but it's mostly me feeling relieved that work had gone without boss's criticism for once. So it's like a single either-or situation that's taking up my life. It's kinda irritating.

Today (or yesterday, it's 1am) I got to go to Esplanade and see The Kite Runner for free with Big Sis and friends, and then we took a walk in the area and had dinner at Thai Express. I love the Esplanade, it had such a beautiful view with so much art and music alive. It felt like I was right where I had to be, and I felt totally relaxed for the first time in so long. Friend asked where my real interest is in regards to work, and I thought for a moment before I answered, "Creative." The only thing is that I don't think I'm really good in that area - being both left- and right-brained makes me average in everything, I feel, haha. And it's sad because nowadays I don't know who's supporting my creativity anymore, anyone to give me tips and encouragement. Sora-kun is amazing, she read my writing even if it's just one chapter and expressed excitement, and that makes me feel very happy and motivated. I had plenty more people who did that in the past, but now most people just 'fav and go', or 'comment "awesome" and go'.

I miss meaningful comments.

I still think it's amazing that I still have the will to continue creating stories even without the support. I'm so glad that I made http://phantomstaff.tumblr.com, it became an important retreat for my creative mind. I guess the passion really is there. But a little support from others would always be worth some points, right?

Anyway, just needed to get that out. Time for bed.
 
 
Mood: complacentcomplacent
 
 
 
Angie
12 July 2014 @ 01:21 am
One of these days, I'm gonna collapse from overwork and emotional breakdown and lack of rest and pure stress. And then I'll get to stay in a hospital away from worries, yay~

I am serious.

I try not to talk about it, so I can have more self-control and be less of a burden. But I don't remember having such problem before... I'm guessing it's trauma that made me this way now. I don't like it, because I feel like I'm no longer worthy to be in the position of helping others when I can't yet help myself. And I don't have many friends who I would actually go to in times of need...maybe just one, and she's away till Monday, so.

I live a lonely life.
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Angie
02 June 2014 @ 12:27 pm
I seriously do.

There's a 12-year-old in the MMO I've been playing, he's been bothering me with lesser things thinking that I'm his best friend. I've always just tried to brush him off by giving him little response or tell him straightforwardly what he should do.

And then of all days. My first day working full-time in the office (no one is here by the way, but I'm so tired from still lack of sleep and feeling the aftermath of stress), it's holiday in Taiwan, and he's up and annoying people. I was just trying to get the daily quests done so I don't have to worry about it, by letting it on autorun. Went away for a bit, came back to see myself stopped in midtracks and him jumping over me gloating about successfully stopping me. I don't know how much time I was stopped for.

I just got. very. mad.
So mad that when I typed, I was banging on the keyboard and shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't even see clearly. You know how much I hate being mad. I can feel incredibly sad, but not so mad that I want to pick up the laptop and throw it against the wall. I really felt like doing just that. I'm already at the breaking point with work pressure. I just can't do it anymore.

I want a new job. Now. Please. I just can't stand it anymore.
 
 
 
Angie
28 May 2014 @ 05:09 pm
I've always talked about how much I love my mission in Taiwan, and how blessed I was to make so many friends and how happy I was with what I was doing. But looking through the journal that I kept over my time there, there is a hole in between entries that I feel I should still write about.

The hole was during which I suffered from depression. The kind where I literally hit myself for, and it started with a companion I had.

Read more...Collapse )
 
 
Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
 
 
 
Angie
24 May 2014 @ 12:42 am
I've been playing this Taiwanese browser MMORPG for almost a couple months now, and a recent incident is rather heartening that I gotta write it down for the records.

So I played a shooter girl nicknamed "Moon" from the random Chinese name generator, and there was a swordsman guy nicknamed "King". I knew him since he joined, a few days after I did, and he was usually talking randomly in the World channel. I only talked on occasions, and more later after I started my own guild, and we became friends.

The game had a marriage system, and another swordsman guy, "Insane", who joined my guild, asked me to marry him, and I said yes out of curiosity. So we were married, and helped each other out whenever he was on since he was still in school. One day, he got mad when a fellow guild member was accidentally killed by someone. He took it to the World channel, angering another player and lots of threats flew about no matter how many times I told him to stop. A couple hours later, he decided to quit the game, divorcing me in the process. Not that I minded, since I was getting fed up of him because of his quick temper anyway. Meanwhile, King private-messaged me to see if I was okay, and I told him I was just fine.

I was 'single' for a while, not seeking to marry again even when my guild members pestered me to because I didn't see a need anyway. We started giving each other flowers (another system to raise relationship level and character popularity) out of competition. Some players were joking about hooking me up with King on the World channel. Last night, I stayed up later than usual due to blogging, and suddenly he took me to a dungeon. Okay, so I fought along. As we were fighting, he showed me that his rare wedding clothes and rings... and soon proposed. Well, I said yes. Immediately after the dungeon, we were married at 1:15am, and during the ceremony, a popular player on the World channel went, "So that's why you were asking me about marriage system earlier."

I thought that was romantic.

I have a little girl's heart, okay. In fact, if this guy is cute irl, maybe. Maybe.
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Angie
23 May 2014 @ 12:45 am
Letter to my boss, again.Collapse )
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Angie
22 May 2014 @ 11:44 pm
I was going to keep this introduction post short and done. But I don't think I'm in the right mood to.

Either way. I'm coming back to LJ because I felt I need to blog again. Twitter is nice, everyone's on there, but character limit forces me to not tell things in details for the record because I don't like spamming people with things that they won't like reading about. Also helps people who do want to know what's going on but is not on Skype to hear my rant directly.

To tell current things in a nutshell, I'm stressed over work. Literally, I tug out a chunk of hair off my head every day because of it. Thanks to a career workshop I attended last night, the speaker talked about to be happy at work, three things had to overlap: skills (something you're good at), interest (something you care about), organization (who you're gonna work for). So if you're good at diagnosing sicknesses, and you love to help people, and a hospital with some nice people is a great place, then you'll have a great career.

So I figured out that it's because my interest level is low, and the organization I'm working for is just not one that has my best interest in mind. No wonder I'm so unhappy.

At my old job, I had skills and organization. Interest wasn't there at first but it came eventually because people there were so nice. I actually still think back a lot on what I learned off there and would have loved to go back. In Taiwan, definitely started off with interest and organization, and skills gradually came up. I love it with all my heart. And it all happened within 6 months. Almost 6 months and I'm still going "freak no" to the current work. There is totally something wrong here, right?

I just can't handle it.

Sorry, that's quite a nutshell. But I didn't go into details and kinda don't want to unless you're interested to know... Sora-kun knows anyway (I'm sorry ranting to you like that). But yeah. Mom said it shouldn't matter, just keep moving on because that's what everyone should do. Looking back won't help anything. If someone chooses to stop and look back, let them do so. Before they know it, you're already ahead and making success. This is your life, and you do whatever you want with it regardless of what others may say.

So yeah. I'm gonna try to forget about it. Oh, the interviewer did reply my thank you email, and said that they should get back to me in 2 weeks. A long time, but I guess it'll be worth the wait.
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Angie
28 April 2014 @ 07:13 pm
Letter to my boss. A script, maybe.Collapse )
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Mood: depresseddepressed